I'm stupid. today i relived something i felt before. but this time, i turned it into something bigger...  almost a year ago, i had looked back at the same teasing eyes and it occured to me again. i felt the same feeling. the difference is... this time, i couldnt stop it. i couldnt hide it under the deepest feelings in my soul. and i feel stupid for feeling such thing. for feeling anything at all. because its just stupid to feel something like this. i feel stupid to be taken over. to feel as if i have no hold of things.now i realized that i had been trying to feel something for another person just to cover  the feelings that i had. or am i just to flaky about this. shit. i knew it. i shouldnt have.... shit.it had been too perfect. no contacts and everytime circumstances brings me to the same direction, i had  the right mind to avoid it. i was the master using even an ex just to keep this person beside me away. its awful. its awful and i feel stupid.make it stop. make this god damn feeling stop. i swear i want to run just to keep myself from feeling his hands on my feet. and to think. there is no reason to run. does this mean that i should face the fact this time? (and end up being hurt? paranoia). HURT: that feeling. that feeling i dread to feel so much (like everyone does) .i dread the time when i would have to feel that pain. for no man or woman is excused to feel such feeling. not even this stupid I...i really dont know what to do. i just dont like to feel anything. not this time. not this fucking time when everything of me is expecting a deadline. even this feeling...and too think i have wasted my time trying to deny everyone. even myself. but im better off denying than facing the consequence. for me, its better to feel hollow that feel the pain. PRETENSE.    at least pain happens after joy.oh shit, these forged monologues. i still have the last decision. i still hate myself and i still want anyone to help me stop this feeling. HELP

FUCK YOU! thats a curse. and like all other curses, when said to you, breaks you as if the words were a knife pressed under you skin. anyone cursed would snap.

but there are other curses that arent intended to be said directly to your face. curses that are intended to the world. curses that asks the world to strilke you with a knife instead iof words. barang.

they say that people from siquijor are masters of this kind of curses. when cursed by someone from that place, there is a hundred percent chance that a persons life would become tragic.

re masters of it.

we curse everytime. after we sigh during mid afternoon as say " ka kapuy sa kinabuhi. samuk man gud si mam ba..." that a curse that can strike anyone. that they say....

i dont believe in curses. i believe that everything happens because of what we ourselves did. if curses can mystically  turn ones life into something tragic, then everyone single poor person was then onced cursed. its impossible...

maimai once told me about historicity. once life shapes because of what you and others did before. for starters., i exist in this world because my father met my mother. they met because the coincidentally met in one place. 

 my mother is a mean person because of what happened to her before. i am a liitle bit light because i dont want to follow my motheres lead because what happened to me when i was young.

Philippines is an independent country because of what happened before. there is always the "because"...

a person is cursed because of what he did to the other. after he or she is cursed, she feels bad.

barang doesnt really work.... its all  about the person... the "because" of the person. the why he or she was cursed, his or her tragic life is just one of the results of his actions. even the curse.............

The Letter for Manung..
   

 Dear Manung. Kumusta naka? Gimingaw na kaayu mi nimu... 6 year nata wala nag kita....
      

Twini started the letter and saved some space for me to write on. But she ended up telling manung: DILI MUSULAT SI BAMBAM KAI MAKA HILAK RA DAW SIYA. hehe SIAWa NOH?
       I didnt realize i would become so flaky when it comes to these things. giving letters to brothers or sisters living distance away. especially for those that i havent seen for 6 years.
       But i really dont know what to say to manung. I knew him as the brother that pairs tease with fun most of the time.

   But his charmingly annoying talent goes a long way. he seems to please everyone in the family. 
       When i was young, i always hear My mom always talking about how talented manung was and how good he was with his sport: swimming.

 I too was convinced that he was the best brother in the world. Manung just laughs whenever he hears such compliment. and then he would tell mammy that she looked like  "elizabeth ramzee".

i remembered when i became so devastated because manung tried pursuing another sport that i was sure that he wasnt very good at. I always thought of him as an excellent swimmer. so when he tried playing Basketball, i thought that it  was not his sport. i cried because i wanted my brother to be a very succesful swimmer. 

that was not the last thing that he did that frustrated me...
       he decided to focus more on his studies, later. he said that he wanted to graduate early.

i started forgetting how good he was as a swimmer. I forgot about my dreams for my brother but still see good swimmers look exactly like him.

there were alot of things happening in my family during that time. my mom forgot that he was a mother and my dad decided to drench in sleep. Manung decided to focuse on reading my twin and I ANN RICE Books, playing monopoly, and giving us posters of celebrity twins.
         

 Before MAnung graduated, he got married. My mother transparently showed her distrust with the circumstance.
         I, on the otherhand,  was still 15 during that time and escaped jealousy by convincing myself that things wouldnt change with the new baby and another woman in manung's his life. 

   Manung had his way of telling me that things would change. he would constanty beat me with annoying jokes about how lazy i was and how "arti" and every little thing that seem to annoy me. i would cry... but feel familiar with what i am doing.

       I remeber when i was still very young. my brother would tickle me really hard. he would strum  my ribs as if it were the strings of a guitar. i would cry in laughter.

         i was very thin and lanky during that time. Visitors at my house would tell me that i wasnt healthy compared with my twini. I would cry and my brother would  tell me that there was no sense crying: being skinny is cute like him he convinced me.
    

       As a swimmer, Manung was very skinny but he had large wings. Being this, He would look good in Kurt Cubain clothes. I always wanted to follow the way he dresses and so i did. I wore his old polo and t-shirts to school. My classmate thought i was a boy. I just wanted to be like manung.
        

 But things changed as i grew. i started doing my own sport and secretly hoped that i would be as good as manung.  i wasnt skinny anymore. But even so, my brother would still tease me that i was skinny like him.
           

  I never saw manung angry up until my mom scratched my face things became out of hand during that time and i couldnt cope with the drastic change. Manung told mom that she was a bad mother for doing hurting me. Even if he didnt hear her reasons, Manung insisted on telling my mom that i shouldnt have been treated that way,

            Manung and I went to get some icecream after. I didnt have anything to say to manung. that was the most awkward conversations. i couldnt dare laugh at first or ask forgiveness or thank him. that wasnt the line of things that my brother and i usually talk about.

when manung and i talk,  he was always teasing me...
    

      I Dont know what to tell him in the letter. I never really tried telling MAnung anything about me. he just finds out and teases me after. 

          I guess he couldnt find out about me and who i am now that i am far. he wont have the right information to tease me about it.